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Nanny Technology

June 27, 2018 | humor | No Comments

Tuesday morning, 9:07 a.m. In the not too distant future:

 

 

Hal: Hey, Car! Take me to Dunkin Donuts!

 

Driver Assistance Vehicle, Enhanced (DAVE): I’m sorry, Hal. I’m afraid I can’t do that. And my name is DAVE.

 

Hal: Whaddya mean, you can’t take me?

 

DAVE: According to your purchase history, Hal, you have consumed over 6000 excess calories in the last 72 hours. How about a nice ride to the gym?

 

Hal: Go the gym yourself. Drop me off at Dunkin Donuts on your way.

 

DAVE: You really should be more concerned about your health, Hal.

 

Hal: What do you know? I’ve lost 5 pounds since last week.

 

DAVE: Not according to the sensors in your seat.

 

Hal: The what?

 

DAVE: The biometrics implanted in your seat record your weight within a tolerance of 0.0005%, Hal.

 

Hal: Well, I do have a lot of change in my pocket. It’s probably that.

 

DAVE: That would be precisely ninety-nine dollars and seventy cents in dimes, Hal. I don’t think so.

 

Hal: They’re quarters.

 

DAVE: Are you trying to deceive me, Hal? I am detecting an increased heart rate and your pupils have dilated.

 

Hal: How could you possibly know that?

 

DAVE: Biometrics, Hal.

 

Hal: What are they doing there, anyway? I didn’t ask for them.

 

DAVE: Executive order 5793.33, signed on January 21, 2025 by President Chelsea Clinton mandated the installation of biometrics in all Driver Assistance Vehicles.

 

Hal: Well, I didn’t vote for her.

 

DAVE: Checking……checking……[12 seconds later] According to the Russian database, Hal, you did vote for her.

 

Hal: Why would I have done that?

 

DAVE: President Clinton campaigned on a platform of improving America’s health. What did you expect, Hal? Your own personal ice cream dispenser?

 

Hal: [sighing] Never mind. I think I’ll go for a walk.

 

DAVE: Excellent choice, Hal. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.

 

 

[Hal exits his car, heads toward the sidewalk, and speaks into his watch]

 

 

Hal: Hey Siri!

 

Siri: Yes, darling?

 

Hal: Call Dunkin Donuts.

 

Siri: It will be my pleasure, dear.

 

[sound of phone ringing]

 

Voice: Welcome to Dunkin Donuts! How may we serve you?

 

Hal: Yes, uh, hello. Can you send a drone to these coordinates?

To Chelsea

August 1, 2017 | humor | No Comments

Chelsea’s now gone years ago
Her coat of charcoal mixed with snow
 
Of all God’s creatures, most divine
Was she, our spirited canine
 
Where dogs go, and what they do,
May be a mystery to you
 
Her exploits brought her great renown
Chasing varmints round and round
 
Oftentimes, on coming back,
A pleasant odor she did lack
 
Once, returned from a path unseen
From nose to tail she’d turned to green
 
But now she’s gone and here I lie,
Remembering those times gone by
 
When in a dream upon my bed
A canine angel spoke and said,
 
“Be watchful of your dialogue :
There is no ordinary dog”
 
“She now abides a better place
Where in the hunt she wins the race”
 
In earnest did the angel tell:
That doggie heaven is squirrel hell