Nanny Technology

June 27, 2018 | humor | No Comments


Tuesday morning, 9:07 a.m. In the not too distant future:



Hal: Hey, Car! Take me to Dunkin Donuts!


Driver Assistance Vehicle, Enhanced (DAVE): I’m sorry, Hal. I’m afraid I can’t do that. And my name is DAVE.


Hal: Whaddya mean, you can’t take me?


DAVE: According to your purchase history, Hal, you have consumed over 6000 excess calories in the last 72 hours. How about a nice ride to the gym?


Hal: Go the gym yourself. Drop me off at Dunkin Donuts on your way.


DAVE: You really should be more concerned about your health, Hal.


Hal: What do you know? I’ve lost 5 pounds since last week.


DAVE: Not according to the sensors in your seat.


Hal: The what?


DAVE: The biometrics implanted in your seat record your weight within a tolerance of 0.0005%, Hal.


Hal: Well, I do have a lot of change in my pocket. It’s probably that.


DAVE: That would be precisely ninety-nine dollars and seventy cents in dimes, Hal. I don’t think so.


Hal: They’re quarters.


DAVE: Are you trying to deceive me, Hal? I am detecting an increased heart rate and your pupils have dilated.


Hal: How could you possibly know that?


DAVE: Biometrics, Hal.


Hal: What are they doing there, anyway? I didn’t ask for them.


DAVE: Executive order 5793.33, signed on January 21, 2025 by President Chelsea Clinton mandated the installation of biometrics in all Driver Assistance Vehicles.


Hal: Well, I didn’t vote for her.


DAVE: Checking……checking……[12 seconds later] According to the Russian database, Hal, you did vote for her.


Hal: Why would I have done that?


DAVE: President Clinton campaigned on a platform of improving America’s health. What did you expect, Hal? Your own personal ice cream dispenser?


Hal: [sighing] Never mind. I think I’ll go for a walk.


DAVE: Excellent choice, Hal. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.



[Hal exits his car, heads toward the sidewalk, and speaks into his watch]



Hal: Hey Siri!


Siri: Yes, darling?


Hal: Call Dunkin Donuts.


Siri: It will be my pleasure, dear.


[sound of phone ringing]


Voice: Welcome to Dunkin Donuts! How may we serve you?


Hal: Yes, uh, hello. Can you send a drone to these coordinates?

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Steven Willing

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